Stats: June 20 - 230 
Aug 8 - 218 
Using WW and cutting my portions I have lost 12 lbs - the quickest weight lost I have ever experienced. I do feel different this time -more determined I think. Not that I wasn't in my weight loss attempts before - but as I said I feel different this time. I actually feel very comfortable with what I am eating and I am not killing myself with exercise... I am simply eating what I want, but much less. I felt good this morning when I had lost another lb. and as I looked in the mirror (standing up) I was pleased. Its always encouraging to see scale numbers go down. However, in any person's journey down, there is always a hitch, a catch, a debbie downer so to speak. We have a mirror on the floor of our bedroom that we haven't mounted on the wall, and I was sitting cross legged on the floor looking at some pictures. I just so happened to catch a glimpse of myself from the side in the mirror and I cringed. It kind of spoiled my high - but this has happened to me before. You go along great, and something, whether its a picture, a glimpse in the mirror, some unflattering clothing etc. ruins the moment. Its enough to send you into an eating frenzy of depression. I didn't like what I saw, but I will keep going. In this instance I need a very short memory. 

This feeling inside...uh, anyway what I was saying was that the funny thing about going around the block again with weight loss is that if you have experienced a big weight loss once (and have sadly gained it back) - then you already know what to expect when getting to that magical goal in the sky. 

I was viewing some JoyFit stories on the Today show website and was inspired by some big time losers. I mean like 100something lbs. One guy said that he just started and kept going because he wanted to see what the next day felt like as a healthier person. I have certainly been there. It is exciting, new, and very uncharted territory. You wonder what your body and face will look like as a thinner person, and if it is your first time to be healthy as an adult you get super stoked that you can fit into some normal sized clothes! I almost wish I had never been on a diet before - been morbidly obese and could never find the will to exercise until one miraculous day....but nope, that isn't my story. 

If I were to post on the JoyFit club, it would be pictures of me thin, fat, thin, fat, thin, fat and then fatter. A virtual yo yo of my life. My food would be healthy, binge worthy, healthy, binge worthy etc. you get the idea. I kind of know what my body will look like thinner (although now it will be slightly older). Now the one exciting part of conquering the extreme yo-yo will be looking at my pics at year 1 on maintenance and then year 5 and seeing only a slight difference. That would be cool.

The recovery day after a binge is like a mini minefield....and I can honestly say I have had many recovery days. Today wasn't too bad - I didn't fall back in the trap of binge eating first thing in the morning (and believe me my mind was doing some suggestive selling on me) even though I got the dreaded sugar dump which all my fellow bingers will know about. Its that sick/yuck feeling you get in the morning after bingeing the day before. It makes you actually want to eat something to get the feeling to go away. I took the high road though, and had two boiled eggs and a piece of cheese for breakfast. I didn't weigh myself either so as to avoid another binge pitfall. All I know is that I feel kind of soft, lumpy and unattractive in my clothes. 

In my fit of bingeing yesterday - I did kindle a book about BED, which is a real disorder that doesn't get enough press, publicity and concern etc. I was hoping to get something new and different from the book since it said that it was about bingeing and how to deal with it. I expected at least SOMETHING new and different from anything else I have learned about it - but honestly there wasn't. Its the same kind of thing bingers are told over and over...which essentially is to retrain the brain with your thinking and some other stuff. I did however pinpoint my main reason for bingeing and it is a change in routine. I guess my mind sees routine changes as red flags that signal me to just abort the diet altogether. It's like ' you're routine has changed and you're going to blow everything anyway - so just eat what you want!' However after I finally recover from this bad choice that could last a day or lead to months of bad choices. I feel really discouraged and usually gained quite a bit of weight and negative thinking along the way. It makes it twice as hard to get back on the wagon again. 

I can actually pinpoint times where I have had a routine change that lead to a host of bad choices. For the sake of time I'll just go back to when I got married 5 years ago. Marriage was a big change - and I had previously worked out and ate well in my single days. As soon as I moved into my hubbys house and didn't have the trusty treadmill and schedule to follow, all my resolve crumbled. I couldn't get my bearings and so I began to binge to cope. I have a great husband and marriage, but that changed things and lead to some big time weight gain. Getting pregnant for the first time was a big change and I didn't eat all that well - but I didn't gain a horrible amount of weight either. I was in the 2teens after my son's birth. Fast forward a year and a half to my first miscarriage - which I wasn't working out or eating particularly well at the time anyway, but caused my weight to slowly go up to a frighteningly all time high. Everything was different and so my lack of care caused me to binge quite a bit, and my weight got very high. So I finally got fed up and did something about 4 months later - got in a routine, lost some weight got pregnant again and promptly miscarried again. I halted exercise, mourned and 2 months later got pregnant a third time. I miscarried a month later so I gained all the weight I had worked to lose AGAIN. Now, emotions do play a part in this yo yo as well, but I think the routine and normalcy of life are so ingrained in my ability to diet well, that changes are extremely hard for me to cope with. I dunno - life is all about change and I have to cope - but do I have to try to cope and diet as well? Double meh.

Meh, didn't exercise today, and had a binge as well. I'll go ahead and admit it. It actually started yesterday with going out to eat for lunch. I ate too much and knew I would be going out to eat for dinner - so I took the all or nothing approach and ate everything I could. (I didn't weigh myself this morning either) 
Lunch was Blue Mesa and Dinner was Cheesecake Factory. I ordered from the skinnylicious menu at Cheesecake Factory - but I knew full well that I would be stuffing myself until I couldn't anymore. I wasn't exactly hungry for dinner 'cause I used lunch to blow things out of proportion and begin eating whatever I thought I could. I was with a friend at dinner and when they asked the traditional ' would you like some cheesecake' I used the old -let me ask my hubby if he wants a piece. I did and of course he did, but I knew I would be sharing it. However, that piece of cake has like an obscene amount of calories in it - and I just don't want to know how much damage I had done. I even came home and used another excuse to go to Wal- Mart to get something else to eat since that is usual binge protocol. Today was a day to binge to the hilt - and also repent, so I have to survey the damage and recoup for tomorrow. I also pulled up the binge eating script that I have, but have yet to use for an occasion like this. I even bought a binge eating book so that I could glean some new information about my problem...but alas it was kind of a dud. It's all stuff that anyone with half a diet brain would know. Where do I go from here? Well to the scales and exercise tomorrow to survey the damage and pick up the pieces. I hate it when I binge:( :(

Usually diet blogs are filled with just that - diet speak. Well I'll start with that and then go just a little deeper (cause the diet stuff gets old anyway). I went to my WW meeting with my buddy - which I think will keep me way more accountable than going it alone. After losing .6 of a lb - I was fairly ok with the outcome since auntie flow was visiting. Meh. 

The start of a lifestyle change is always an adjustment. You have to take in account what you want to do differently this time around because most likely, its not your first. In my case its like my 20th time to get back on the wagon again??? I came close to victory in 2007, but the day after our wedding sent me into free fall mode. I couldn't adjust to the change, and so I gained and gained....and here we are now! I don't think I have lost more than 20 lbs at any point in my 5 yrs of marriage. I have 50 or 6o to lose. Right now I just want 5% which is 218.5. The funny thing is that this time last year I was there and just a little lower. But I have just yo yoed quite a bit since then. Its major life events that make me just throw in the towel. That brings me to my next analysis.... 

I am having baby blues - and fb is no help. There are sure a lot of people going to or just having babies right now - and it hits a nerve especially after 3 miscarriages. I have one beautiful 2 year old boy, but miscarriage(s) can do a number on your mental and physical health. Now I supposedly don't have anything genetically wrong with me, or any of my blood tests, so we chalk it up to bad luck. I am sadly just a member of the club of women that would love to have another child, but is having issues. We have had some family members pass recently - my grandfather in October and my mother in law 2 weeks ago, some health problems - I had pneumonia in October and my husband 1 week ago. So, life can throw curveballs in your ability to 'try' to conceive. I think the height of my depression came after my first mc when I reached my highest weight ever of 241. Dare I say it could have been higher? I doubt I stepped on the scale until I decided enough was enough. Well I just keep trudging on, keeping my chin up and looking for the silver lining... which right now is losing this darn weight!

Yeah I'm back and groveling at my diet's feet. Its another last ditch effort to get on the track to somewhere other than two twenty something. Its funny how I always come running back to what is difficult, when the easier way doesn't keep weight off at all. I have to go to WW, I have to write down what I eat, I have to stay busy, and weigh myself every day. Gah. I hate kidding myself about what I do and do not have to do. So I know what I really have to do, since the shortcuts haven't served me well. 
I hate starting over, I really do. Feel me?

I promised myself that I wouldn't go to bed without unpacking or resolving possible food issues. I ate my usual Friday night mexican food fest - but I am not overly busting at the seams. Good for me, except afteward I had chocolate ice cream and oreos. I still am not in a depressed mood after eating what I ate since I did attempt some exercise today. My goal for next week is to increase my running time/distance even further than today. I am back and on a roll. Tomorrow I plan to eat a small breakfast to compensate for my large dinner.

You know that time when you are fully 'wheels off' the wagon, and you go on your weekly grocery shopathon with that special little naughty food in mind? Mine today was donuts. That is probably number one on my pig out food du jour - and it was on the menu today. 
Right now I am in diet contemplation mode, which, for all you novice dieters, is the limbo between 'yes, I am going on the 'xyz diet Monday!' and '*@#$ it, I'm eating anything I want!' I walk through the aisles shopping for the regular pantry filling items and lo and behold I come across the prize wall full o donuts! Oooh, I look and linger pretending to buy for my large, multi-kid family. Hmm, what would my 6 year old want? or the 4 year old? or the twins? (never mind the fact that I only have one 2 year old and husband makes 3) So I picked my poison and did a little happy dance in my mind anticipating the drive home. I hurriedly try to check out of the store and rifle through the bags to find the donuts - which, they always hide in the bottom of some obscure bag. Then I sit down in the car and await sure bliss. I take a bite and frown... now the most dreaded problem occurs for the binge eater - buying an inferior verson of your binge food. Now I bought store donuts, and they actually tasted odd. I know if I want a top, grade A donut, it has to come from the shop down the street - but to my dismay it closes after 12 pm. Now, do I let the taste deter me? Any true binge eater would say, "NO"! Just down it faster! And I am proud to say I am as true as they come, so I did, but had the courage to leave one lone donut behind. By the time I got home I promptly put it in my disposal of choice, our home trash dumpster on the curb.
Finished, but dissatisfied - I looked for other fillers of my already distended stomach...but alas there were none. Woe is me, why couldn't I have had the binge of my life (cue dirty dancing music)? Its because I settle. period. To all the true bingers out there, the moral of the story is...don't settle for a generic, inferior binge food. You know what you really want, so go get it! Never settle for that funky donut, get the real thing! OK? OK! YESSSS! Happy hunting.

10. You find a drive thru that is only minutes from your house, buy something to eat quickly and down it wayyyy before you get home. 
9. You hide your candy wrappers like easter eggs throughout the house. 
8. You tell your family you have to go out to get some milk and eggs from the store in order to get around to the aisle with the candy and chips. 
7. Honey Buns...you know you're a nasty girl when no one calls you that name, but you gladly eat those nasty good things from the package. 
6. You go from the fridge to the freezer to the pantry about 15 hundred times in search of a dang fix! 
5. Your stretch waist clothes are getting TIGHT! 
4. You get a Monday hangover with the shakes, but it wasn't from partying all weekend...it was the dreaded sugar dump gahh! 
3. You don't want to get it on with your mate....a candy bar will do the trick. 
2. Your gas smells like a rotten egg/sulfur bomb/sewage plant exploded. 
1. That white powder on your upper lip isn't from drugs...its from donuts.

Yeah the lack of blog entries in the past few months signal a leap off the wagon. Its a familiar place, a comfortable one, one that I know all too well. Oh why not? Why the heck not? Why not just be a fat, normal, sedentary person? Its so easy and familiar! It seems like the past few years attempt to get to a goal have been foiled by something or another. I long for the days when I could have one long stretch of weight loss success! I mean who hasn't had that? Its the one time in your life that you got it right - exercise, food, emotions etc...and you looked hot! But then something happened...and one choice led to another and the weight came back with a vengeance. Mine was the singlehood before marriage. I had finally managed to take 2 full years to whittle my weight down without much outside interference. I mean I had it down, eating right 80-90 percent of the time, exercising for 40 min 5 days a week, utilizing a personal trainer. How did I do it ? Determination. How come it didn't stay off for life? Choices. I chose to go to the familiar dark place of fatness I felt comfortable with - and it welcomed me with open arms. I could wallow and then some with the greatest of ease. Now I love to wallow in fatness again - unfortunately.

Things are still going along normally. I won't claim victory or defeat...just living on an even keel. No major stress right now...just floating along the lazy river. I don't really think about my food choices that much, but I know that what I do eat will need to be eaten slowly until I am under or near satisfied. That's just my rule of thumb lately. No big plans, no major fitness or weight loss goals except I ran for a minute this morning (just to build up to fun running again) ...just eating with more normalcy. Am I crazy? I don't know, but my weight loss anxiety has been dissolving away....

So I am still eating much slower, stopping before full and eating when really hungry. I sneaked on the scale (but I told myself this is not official and nothing will get me down today). In a little under two weeks I had lost 5 lbs. Go figure. I don't diet or deprive myself of anything and I lose. I will not be weighing myself for another long while because I don't want to get caught up in the weight game right now. I told someone yesterday I am really sick of diets and having to lose x amount of weight. I get it that I won't have long term success unless eating becomes an emotionless activity - and I slow down and consume less calories at a meal. It honestly doesn't matter where your calories come from...people who are successful at keeping weight off know this, it is how many calories you are consuming. And in turn wolfing down a meal whether it is healthy or not will not keep the weight off. It took me a long time to really understand this. I could eat baked chicken and veggies in a few minutes....but my stomach would tell me I am still hungry and need something more - so i could grab sugar free jello with cool whip and a few healthy crackers or healthy chips etc. but all the healthy food in the world still has calories. Bottom line is that the faster you eat the more you eat. Simple. Why are thin people thin? They don't eat too many calories and eat slowly. Anyhow, I'll still take one meal at a time on my way to a healthier self.

Not gonna...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Slow eating

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Day 3 of the diet is??

Tuesday, January 03, 2012